JV:        He was Mike Steele, white rhino!

Jason:        He was Mike Steele, white rhino

Orlando: Sits around naked

JV:        Although talking of guns going off there, you’re a young man in Hollywood…at the moment, single…you must be having a great time.

Orlando: Yeah, I’d love to say that…

Jason:        What sex…, you mean sex? That’s what you’re saying isn’t it?

JV:        I just mean generally (which he clearly doesn’t!)

Jason:        Yeah, coz it’s not great for tourists…

Orlando: No, no it’s not

Jason:        Do you have a lot of sex?

Orlando: Actually you know I’m on a plane more often than not, I mean…air hostesses…I can honestly say, I would love to say that I’m getting it loads, I really would…

(audience laughs)

        and in fact, if anyone’s interested…(turning to audience)

JV:        Just say it, they won’t know. It’s what they want you to be doing.

Jason:        We’re not single, we just like to hear you lie         

Orlando: I’m getting it loads

JV:        (to Jason) You’re not single and alone in Hollywood…

Jason:        No, Cricklewood! I’m just about to have a baby…well the last time I saw you (indicating JV) you were talking about the joy of having a daughter, so we’re about to have a little baby girl in a couple of months time…

(audience “Ahhhh”)

        Ahhhh…what? You’ve all done it, it’s not that big a deal. (But he’s obviously really proud! Bless him!)

JV:        It’s a good line, you get girls with that line…

Jason:        Well, hopefully…

JV:        (to Orlando) See the effect? You should try that!

Orlando: That’s a good idea

Jason:        When they did the scan…The doctor did the scan and he took about ten minutes, and he turned round and he said :k “It’s either going to be, I’m pretty sure, it’s either a girl, little girl, or a boy with a tiny penis,

(audience laugh)

JV:        (deep voice) It’s a boy!
        I’ve got some quickies for you. I always like to tie up with some quickies.

Jason:        Fine! (laughs)

JV:        In a manner of speaking

Jason:        What? In front of everybody?

JV:         If they want to watch it’s their problem. Ok here we go. Now you played…Jason, you played a transvestite in Keanu Reeves movie Sweet November. What’s your dress size?

Jason:        Er…she’s big up top and…big arse really, so the biggest they had

JV:        Ok, nice! Orlando, making the movie you stayed at the Rabbit Hilton in Morocco which is famous for it’s karaoke nights. What was your song?

Orlando: (Turns to Jason) Errr…Bowie…that Bowie song…

Jason:        You did Barbara Streisand the whole time!

Orlando: Ohhhh…go on… (hits Jason) I did not!

Jason:        No-one’s watching this, don’t worry

JV:        You’re in Lord of the Rings

Jason:        I didn’t mean that

JV:        You’re in Lord of the Rings, which is a good pension plan for you, that’s years that’s going for…

Orlando: Yeah, right

JV:        Is it true that you all got a tattoo? Everyone that was on it?

Orlando: Yes, we all got a tattoo, and in fact, more recently, the director, the producer, the new line executive and the head of special effects all got 10, which is actually not known yet…well it is known now…

Jason:        Ten tattoos?

Orlando: No, they got the number 10, we’re all 9. There’s nine in the Fellowship

JV:        So you all got this? So, you’re mad

Orlando: So, they’re like the 10th member of the Fellowship

Jason:        So does it go up to eleven? Or not? It doesn’t go up to eleven… {Jason was being silly here and getting Orlando all flustered!}

Orlando: Oh shut up

(audience laughs)

Jason:        Sorry

JV:        I don’t want to step on any toes here

Orlando: He’s just jealous he hasn’t got one

JV:        What?

Jason:        It’s true

JV:        Why did you indicate his penis?

(audience laughs)

Jason:        In Morocco we did all get tattoos

JV:        You did?

Jason:        We did. In Black Hawk Down, we all had it in two inch high letters, “Get me the f*** out of Mogadishu”

(audience laughs)

JV:        Nice. You were mad to get that tattoo, because you should have had Viking tattoos! Like these:

(Clip of three Viking tattoos)

Jason:        That’s very impressive

JV:        Aren’t they the best! I don’t know why I find that so funny.
        (To Orlando) You’re doing Lord of the Rings, you’re going to be attracting, I would think, some pretty obsessive, weird fans. Are you ready for that?

Orlando: (looks at Jason and takes a deep breath)

Jason:        Don’t look at me! I’m not gonna be…

Orlando: No, I think…my agent keeps telling me she’s wading through fan mail

JV:        Wading through!

Orlando: Well, that’s the way she puts it. So I’ve got to work out what to do with that. I haven’t looked at it yet.

JV:        Look out for green biro, that’s my tip…

(JV then interviews two obsessive Star wars fans in Seattle, live by satellite, who have been queuing since January the first, for the new Star Wars movie)
(Then he introduces his next two guests, two girls from the British docu-soap “Club Reps” -basically about young girls partying in Greece. They present JV with a bottle of oozo)

JV:        Presents for me lads. We can have that in the green room afterwards.

Jason:        I think you’re in there

        (JV interviews two girls about their 3 months of partying in Greece)

JV:        Actually lads. Have you ever been on a holiday like this?

Jason:        I’m struck dumb by this whole thing!

(audience laughs)

JV:        We’re old married guys

Jason:        Ask the single guy. I’m not speaking (mimes zipping his mouth up)

JV:        Have you had wild holidays involving these kind of things?

Jason:        No of course not! Never! (looking incredulous) I’ve never had anything like that in my life! Who’s 15 and who’s 2? I was told in the dressing room, someone’s had sex 15 times in a week, that’s basically my lifetime score!

JV:        You want stats? How long was the holiday?

Michelle: Three months, and I was the fifteen, that was me.

Jason:      That’s very impressive

        (JV concludes interview with two girls and then thanks them for coming…audience applauds…then he thanks Jason and Orlando…audience cheers! :o )

       


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