JV: He was Mike Steele, white rhino!
Jason: He was Mike Steele, white rhino
Orlando: Sits around naked
JV: Although talking of guns going off there, you’re a young man in
Hollywood…at the moment, single…you must be having a great time.
Orlando: Yeah, I’d love to say that…
Jason: What sex…, you mean sex? That’s what you’re
saying isn’t it?
JV: I just mean generally (which he clearly doesn’t!)
Jason: Yeah, coz it’s not great for tourists…
Orlando: No, no it’s not
Jason: Do you have a lot of sex?
Orlando: Actually you know I’m on a plane more often than not, I mean…air
hostesses…I can honestly say, I would love to say that I’m getting it loads, I
really would…
(audience laughs)
and in fact, if anyone’s interested…(turning to audience)
JV: Just say it, they won’t know. It’s what they want you to be doing.
Jason: We’re not single, we just like to hear you
lie
Orlando: I’m getting it loads
JV: (to Jason) You’re not single and alone in Hollywood…
Jason: No, Cricklewood! I’m just about to have a
baby…well the last time I saw you (indicating JV) you were talking about the joy
of having a daughter, so we’re about to have a little baby girl in a couple of
months time…
(audience “Ahhhh”)
Ahhhh…what? You’ve all done it, it’s not that big
a deal. (But he’s obviously really proud! Bless him!)
JV: It’s a good line, you get girls with that line…
Jason: Well, hopefully…
JV: (to Orlando) See the effect? You should try that!
Orlando: That’s a good idea
Jason: When they did the scan…The doctor did the
scan and he took about ten minutes, and he turned round and he said
“It’s either going to be, I’m pretty sure, it’s either a girl, little girl, or a
boy with a tiny penis,
(audience laugh)
JV: (deep voice) It’s a boy!
I’ve got some quickies for you. I always like to tie up with some
quickies.
Jason: Fine! (laughs)
JV: In a manner of speaking
Jason: What? In front of everybody?
JV: If they want to watch it’s their problem. Ok here we go. Now you
played…Jason, you played a transvestite in Keanu Reeves movie Sweet November.
What’s your dress size?
Jason: Er…she’s big up top and…big arse really, so
the biggest they had
JV: Ok, nice! Orlando, making the movie you stayed at the Rabbit Hilton
in Morocco which is famous for it’s karaoke nights. What was your song?
Orlando: (Turns to Jason) Errr…Bowie…that Bowie song…
Jason: You did Barbara Streisand the whole time!
Orlando: Ohhhh…go on… (hits Jason) I did not!
Jason: No-one’s watching this, don’t worry
JV: You’re in Lord of the Rings
Jason: I didn’t mean that
JV: You’re in Lord of the Rings, which is a good pension plan for you,
that’s years that’s going for…
Orlando: Yeah, right
JV: Is it true that you all got a tattoo? Everyone that was on it?
Orlando: Yes, we all got a tattoo, and in fact, more recently, the director, the
producer, the new line executive and the head of special effects all got 10,
which is actually not known yet…well it is known now…
Jason: Ten tattoos?
Orlando: No, they got the number 10, we’re all 9. There’s nine in the Fellowship
JV: So you all got this? So, you’re mad
Orlando: So, they’re like the 10th member of the Fellowship
Jason: So does it go up to eleven? Or not? It
doesn’t go up to eleven… {Jason was being silly here and getting Orlando
all flustered!}
Orlando: Oh shut up
(audience laughs)
Jason: Sorry
JV: I don’t want to step on any toes here
Orlando: He’s just jealous he hasn’t got one
JV: What?
Jason: It’s true
JV: Why did you indicate his penis?
(audience laughs)
Jason: In Morocco we did all get tattoos
JV: You did?
Jason: We did. In Black Hawk Down, we all had it in
two inch high letters, “Get me the f*** out of Mogadishu”
(audience laughs)
JV: Nice. You were mad to get that tattoo, because you should have had
Viking tattoos! Like these:
(Clip of three Viking tattoos)
Jason: That’s very impressive
JV: Aren’t they the best! I don’t know why I find that so funny.
(To Orlando) You’re doing Lord of the Rings, you’re going to be
attracting, I would think, some pretty obsessive, weird fans. Are you ready for
that?
Orlando: (looks at Jason and takes a deep breath)
Jason: Don’t look at me! I’m not gonna be…
Orlando: No, I think…my agent keeps telling me she’s wading through fan mail
JV: Wading through!
Orlando: Well, that’s the way she puts it. So I’ve got to work out what to do
with that. I haven’t looked at it yet.
JV: Look out for green biro, that’s my tip…
(JV then interviews two obsessive Star wars fans in Seattle, live by satellite,
who have been queuing since January the first, for the new Star Wars movie)
(Then he introduces his next two guests, two girls from the British docu-soap
“Club Reps” -basically about young girls partying in Greece. They present JV
with a bottle of oozo)
JV: Presents for me lads. We can have that in the green room afterwards.
Jason: I think you’re in there
(JV interviews two girls about their 3 months of partying in Greece)
JV: Actually lads. Have you ever been on a holiday like this?
Jason: I’m struck dumb by this whole thing!
(audience laughs)
JV: We’re old married guys
Jason: Ask the single guy. I’m not speaking
(mimes zipping his mouth up)
JV: Have you had wild holidays involving these kind of things?
Jason: No of course not! Never! (looking
incredulous) I’ve never had anything like that in my life! Who’s 15 and who’s 2?
I was told in the dressing room, someone’s had sex 15 times in a week, that’s
basically my lifetime score!
JV: You want stats? How long was the holiday?
Michelle: Three months, and I was the fifteen, that was me.
Jason: That’s very impressive
(JV concludes interview with two girls and then thanks them for
coming…audience applauds…then he thanks Jason and Orlando…audience cheers!
)
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